A Bada Bing Story: Poker Night III
*Scene shows night time in the back room of ULX’s Bada Bing Bar. There, ULX [FG2] and Stacy [FG2] are setting up a poker table.*
ULX: *putting bottles on top of the table* You know Stacy…maybe you shouldn’t drink…I mean, remember the last time
Stacy: I have no idea what you’re talking about Chris
ULX: You almost took off your top, to show you had big boobs
Stacy: Yea but they didn’t do anything
ULX: That’s cause they’re afraid of a hungover and pissed off Stacy.
Stacy: *grins* And that’s the type of fear that doesn’t make them do stupid shit.
ULX: *sighs* Fine, you win
Stacy: I always do!
*Suddenly the door kicks in and Mastumoto [Bleach] slides in with two bottles in hand*
Mastumoto: Hey, there guys!
ULX: *sighs* Damn it…why you gotta bust my door down?
Mastumoto: Cause after what you said to me about coming through the window…
Stacy: That’s because if you chose wrong, you’d be pulling that sword of yours out of places it shouldn’t go
Mastumoto: Oh…OH!
ULX: Yea…Hopefully no one el-
*Suddenly the door burst open again and Axel [KH2] walks in casually*
Axel: Sup bitches!
ULX: *sighs* Guh…my poor door.
Axel: Buy another one, ya bitch! *sits down*
ULX: And I’m waiting for another-
*Just then the door burst open again and Paine [FFX-2] walks in arms crossed*
Paine: Bowser coming?
ULX: No…but did you-
Paine: Good *sits down*
ULX: *lowers head* What’s next…someone else kicks my door in?
*Moment of silence*
Stacy: Why so negative?
*Just then Peach [SMB] opens the door slightly and peaks in*
Peach: This where the Poker Game is?
Stacy: Yea
Peach: Oh goodie! *pops out*
*Just then door is kicked open and Peach walks in*
Peach: Time to play some cards, motherfuckers!
Axel: …Well she’s got a mouth
Peach: *teasing* You stay after, and I’ll show you what I can do with it, fire boy!
ULX: *eye twitching* Did…did you
Peach: *glares at ULX* Quit your bitching about the door!
*Just then Baltheir [FFXII] walks through the door gently*
Baltheir: Well, seems we have quite a collection here…
Stacy: Baltheir, didn’t you get the memo?
Baltheir: Oh…yea… *steps out then kicks the door open* Like that right?
Stacy: Perfect!
ULX: *glares at Stacy* …Just for that, if you lose this match, you’re paying for Iota’s bar tab
Stacy: Oh fuck you! That thing goes on for years!
*Scene cuts to Iota [FG1] with two bottles of whiskey in his hands behind the black screen*
Iota: Hey, what can I say, alcohol is the only thing that can center me…
Edge [FG1]: *pops in* Yea, cause lords know, you can’t get laid! *pops out*
Iota: …*starts drinking from both bottles*
*Scene cuts back to the back room*
Peach: So…is this everyone…cause *clings to Baltheir* I like this party…a lot!
Stacy: Better than Mario Party?
Peach: I was the only woman in there…the ONLY woman…
ULX: You also have sex with anything that moves, what’s your point?
Peach: Meh, it was like playing Monopoly…only less boring
*Suddenly the door kicks open again*
ULX: *gets up* THAT’S IT! YOU BETTER BE SOMEONE WHO HAS A DEATH WISH!
*Just then a beam Katana comes close to ULX’s neck and in front of him was Travis [NMH] glaring at him*
Travis: You gotta a problem barkeep?
ULX: …Of course it had to be the otaku assassin *sits back down*
Travis: *looks around* This the place where the foul mouthed poker game is?
Stacy: Kick up a seat Mr. Touchdown *starts cutting the cards*
Travis: *grins at Stacy* Any special…*looks at Stacy up and down* rewards for the winner?
Stacy: Yea…you keep that pretty little head on that pretty little neck of yours…get the drift?
Travis: *grins and sits down* A girl with spunk...I like that…
Stacy: Anyone else we’re missing?
Voice: Yea…me!
*Suddenly a red bee [Description Here] comes flies in and sits down*
Bee: Hey, how’s it…
Peach: BUG! *smacks it* YOU GO SQUISH!
ULX: Peach…that’s Kellins…
Paine: Who?
ULX: He’s gonna be one of the FVA judges
Kellins: *dazed* Can’t say that’s the first time a woman has done that to me…
Stacy: And knowing you Kellins, it won’t be the last! Ante up, bitches!
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*Scene cuts into the few two hands of the game and Travis is up*
Peach: Alright you two…spill it!
ULX: Hmm?
Axel: Don’t play dumb with us you two!
Stacy: If we wanted to play dumb, we’d be you Axel
Axel: Fuck you, walking fun bags!
Baltheir: I think they mean the whole, Dynast thing…
ULX: Oh…I don’t see why that’s any of your business…
Paine: Cause they want to make fun of you, for all the times you insulted their games and stuff
Stacy: Okay…and who’s ego would you hurt? GLX’s? Pfft, the guy could care less if the site was burning
ULX: S’true
Peach: DAMN!
Kellins: I’ll tell you what should have happened, Cole should have been put in his place by Johnny…
ULX: …what?
Kellins: I mean, come on, all Cole did was shuffle around protecting with water and letting a giant beast from the water do his dirty work…he was still a coward
Stacy: Words you’ll take to your grave Kellins…
Kellins: …what do you mean by that?
*Just then a shine of light from behind Kellins emits brighter*
Kellins: …Someone turn on a night light?
ULX: Nope…but look behind you…
*Kellins looks behind him and sees Rose [FG1] charging a massive Holy attack*
Kellins: …Well…this was foreseeable…
Rose: HOLY!
*Just then Kellins is engulfed in a blast of light that turns him all charred with two blinking eyes*
Rose: Care to make another statement like that again, Kellins?
Kellins: N-No ma’am…
Rose: Good…*walks out*
ULX: What have we learned bee boy?
Kellins: That your creator had this planned, cause he’s sick and twisted?
Stacy: We were gonna go and say you have horrible luck with women…but that works too.
Kellins: Good.
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*Scene shows a few more hands in and Kellins is in the lead*
Kellins: My…am I winning? Cause I think I’m winning!
Stacy: Watch it, Kellins…you’re getting a little too cocky
Kellins: Yea…cocky is a bad thing
ULX: Indee-
Kellins: BUT NOT AS BAD AS LOSIN TO ME!
ULX: Okay…
Stacy: Alright Peach, the truth now, why the fuck don’t you wanna fuck Mario?
Peach: Mario is too needy…
Axel: That’s cause you taunt him so much! I mean hell the guy has saved your ass so many times, and what does he get…a fucking cake
Travis: Pfft, if I was him I’d just tackle you down and fuck you right there.
ULX: You’d fuck her in a castle with fire and lava?
Travis: Hey, as long as the shit doesn’t touch me, I’ll bust both my nuts in her.
Peach: *smirks* How bout we do it right here on the poker table?
Travis: *blinks* Se-Seriously?
Peach: Why not…I love a crowd…makes me so fucking wet!
Travis: …*leans to ULX* She’s serious
ULX: Peach is a bit of a…
Paine: Whore?
Axel: Slut?
Stacy: Cum bucket?
Balthier: Harlot?
Kellins: A respectable wo- *starts laughing* I’m sorry, I couldn’t get past that…
ULX: …Um…more like all of the above
*Moment of Silence*
Travis: Well then *gets up and starts unbuttoning his pants* I guess we’ll-
ULX: Travis, we’re here to play poker, not to see you fuck Peach like so many have before
Stacy: if we wanted to see that shit, we’d watch the DVDs
Rest: *all agree*
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*Scene cuts to a few more hands later where Axel is in the lead*
ULX: *leans to Kellins* Wh-What happened Kellins?
Kellins: …Shut up, Chris…
ULX: I mean it looks like you’re losing
Kellins: Shut up Chris!
ULX: But you were winning…that’s od-
Kellins: I SAID SHUT UP!
Stacy: Hurts getting taunted, huh?
ULX: So Paine, let me ask you something about your sex life…
Paine: No…
Axel: Oh come on!
Paine: No, and I will tell you why, every time I do Bowser goes and yells out “LESBIAN” just to piss me straight the fuck off. Fuck. That. Shit.
Stacy: Actually we wanted to know, if you wanted to fuck Baralai?
Paine: …really? Baralai?
ULX: Well come on think about it
Axel: Rikku probably has orgasm dreams about Gippal
Peach: LeBlanc probably goes all dominatrix on Nooj
Balthier: Wakka and Lulu have married sex
Travis: And Yuna probably gets fucked raw by Tidus
ULX: …*glares at Travis* Was that necessary?
Travis: *smirks* If by necessary you mean wanting to piss you the fuck off…then yes
Stacy: So we figured it was either Baralai or Kimari…but I doubt you wanna fuck a blue haired animal…
Paine: …Wow…you all have some weird ass ideas…
Travis: Blame the internet
Paine: Well…Baralai, is okay…but he’s not fuckable in my book
*Just then a melody starts playing and Peach reaches for a cell phone*
Peach: *answers it* Hello? Yea…Yea she is…o-okay? *passes the phone to Paine* It’s for you…
Paine: *picks up the phone* hello?
Bowser’s Voice: Yea, hi, I just to let you know I saw some female strippers who were lesbians…I thought you might like that action. Cause you’re a dyke!
Paine: *bashes the phone on the table* FUCK YOU!
*Moment of silence*
ULX: Bowser?
Paine: YOU THINK!?
Peach: …my phone…now how can I make booty calls…
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*Scene cuts to a few more hands where Axel is still in the lead*
Axel: *lays down cards* HA! Two pairs, fives over sevens!
Travis: Fucking craps *slams hand on the table*
Stacy: Good hand…good hand…*lays down a straight 3-7* But I’ll just be taking my money thank you…*grabs the chips and starts raking them in*
Axel: …fuck…
Stacy: You’re just jealous, Axel, cause I’m the better person
Mastumoto: Oh you don’t want to start up with that again…
ULX: Please don’t…Travis is new, I don’t think he wants his dick cut off.
Travis: Ex-wait what?
Stacy: Speaking of cock blocks…Why didn’t you fuck Sylvia, Travis?
Travis: Well first…she was my sister in law…that right there is nasty…
Stacy: I mean before!
Travis: Oh George Lucas would have sued our asses off for copying his incest love scene with Luke and Leia. I mean we barely got away with the kiss scene
Balthier: Ah George Lucas…The man who created nerds fighting over their fandoms…
Travis: Besides, you heard her threats…
ULX: Yea…but did she have a weapon?
Travis: She had two hired thugs, who clean dead bodies!
ULX: Okay…but come on…that scene when you were on the beach…you should have just…well you know…
Stacy: He means you should’ve fucked her right there and then!
Kellins: What a mouth, Stacy…
Peach: Mine is bigger
Stacy: No contest…I seen the videos, I know how much you put in there
Peach: My personal record is two…the third one is just some damn hard…
Axel: Literally
Kellins: …Sexual innuendo…I get it…
Travis: Would have fucked her on the beach…but really…well have you tried to get sand out of everywhere on your naked body?
Stacy and ULX: Yes…
*Moment of silence*
Balthier: …uh…
Stacy: It was Mexico and we were drunk
ULX: Yep.
*Moment of silence*
Travis: …right…ante up.
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*Scene shows a few more hands and Mastumoto is up*
Mastumoto: Woo, looks like I’m winning
Axel: That’s cause you’re showing off more cleavage than anyone else…
Peach: …Really that would help?
Travis: …*fixed on Mastumoto’s chest* …so, think I can get some milk if I suck on those?
*Matsumoto then elbows Travis in the face with a cheery smile, as Travis falls over on the floor*
Travis: …Taking that as a no!
Stacy: And now we move into the sex life of Mr. Baltheir himself!
Axel: Yea, come on man, I know you got some dirty secrets with that rabbit chick…
Matsumoto: Come one who’d fuck a rabbit?
*Stacy sheepishly and slowly turns to look at ULX*
ULX: …Stacy….shut up
Stacy: I didn’t say a daaaammmnnnn thing…
*Moment of Silence*
Stacy: But speaking of rabbits, how is your daughter ULX
ULX: *slams head on the table* Guuuhhhh!
Balthier: …Not asking…
Kellins: Better you don’t…it’s something that ULX will kill you for.
Peach: So…did you fuck Fran? I mean you saved her life, and you two are like good good partners.
Axel: Yea, I mean, Paine has probably seen Rikku and Yuna na-
Paine: *pulls out a sword* Finish that sentence Axel, and you’ll be leaving here with out your great balls of fire.
Axel: …duly noted
Balthier: *chuckles* Come now, a gentlemen does not kiss and tell.
Stacy: So…you did fuck her?
Balthier: …a little…then she rode me like an animal
ULX: What happened to the gentlemen never telling?
Balthier: Seems you forced it out of me…
Mastumoto: More like you needed a push to tell us
Balthier: Well…I’ll tell you something else…Ashe was the better ass. And I can say that, cause she was a tight bitch
Travis: You mean up tight
Balthier: …I know what I said…
Travis: …Oh…OH
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*Scene cuts to a few more hands and ULX is in the lead*
ULX: Ah…it’s good to be winning
Axel: Fuck you man!
Stacy: Hey Axel…I got to ask you…
Axel: NO! I AM NOT GAY WITH ROXAS, GOD DAMN IT!
ULX: Then why did KH two make you such a bitch?
Axel: Cause I demanded to much and they dulled my character…
Stacy: And made you open to gay jokes
Axel: Yes…and made me open to gay jokes.
Peach: Aw…there, there fire head. Least you got something from that lightning girl
Axel: Who? Larexene? She was a stuck up bitch, with nothing to back it up…secretly I think she was a tranny
Travis: So you never got laid!?
Axel: What? Of course I have *grins at Matsumoto* Right Rangiku?
Mastumoto: …*blushes* Sh-Shut up Axel
ULX: Well…
Stacy: Another two people succumb to the Bada Bing’s debauchery
Kellins: …Am…Am I gonna be like that?
ULX: Yep
Stacy: All part of the virus we call our life.
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*Scene cuts to a few hands later and Stacy is back in the lead*
Peach: Alright everyone knows about my sex life, Travis’s, Axel’s, Mastumoto’s, Paine’s, and Baltheir’s…
Kellins: …What about me?
Axel: You have a sex life?
Kellins: Well...I mean I don’t like to tell anyone…
Baltheir: He has none
Kellins: GO TO HELL!
Peach: So that just leaves you two…now we know ULX fucked a rabbit
Axel: While he was drunk…
Paine: And had a kid!
ULX: HA HA HA! Let’s all laugh at the drunk…
Travis: We are, aren’t listening to us?
ULX: I’m beginning to hate you Travis…
Travis: Pfft, no you don’t.
Peach: So that just leaves the Scythe girl…
Baltheir: I am dying to know about what your sex life is like…
Stacy: I’ll hold you to that Baltheir
Travis: Alright, come on spill it! Who did you fuck?
Stacy: …no one…
Rest: WHAT!?
ULX: It’s true…
Peach: Bullshit! You’ve been naked with these guys, you have big boobs, and you’re a carefree drunk, and you can look at me with a straight face and say that…
Stacy: I never had sex…so, therefore, I have no sex life.
Kellins: …wow…that must be hard to say
Stacy: Not really…
Axel: Why not?
Stacy: *grins* Cause I look at all your sex lives and laugh and thank god it isn’t me
*The rest of them all glare at Stacy pissed off*
Stacy: Glare all you want, fuckers, but deep down you know I’m better than you fucks
Mastumoto: Don’t tempt me to call my sword
Stacy: Before you ‘release your sword’ Matsumoto, I will have sliced your spirit in half and raped your mind harder than Axel.
Axel: …Ow…
Mastumoto: …Fuck…
Stacy: Now let’s finish this little card game, okay?
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*Scene cuts to the end of the game, where only ULX and Stacy remain and Stacy with all the chips*
Stacy: Now do I have to pay that pesky bar tab?
ULX: Nah…you’re good…
Stacy: …*looks away* Hey Chris…you know why I’m…
ULX: I know…you have low self confidence and blah blah…even though we tell you you’re a good person and all that crap
Stacy: And-
ULX: And if I ever tell anyone else about your feelings I will wind up with a spike so far up my ass it’ll cut me in two. I know
Stacy: …Thanks Christian…
ULX: Anytime, Stace, anytime.
- END -