A Bada Bing Story: Step into the Animus
** WARNING: THE FOLLOWING CONTAINS SPOILERS TO ASSASSIN’S CREED! **
Memory Block – 01
*Scene shows Altair [Assassin’s Creed] walking through the streets*
Altair: *thinking* My prey is close…and soon they shall meet my-
*Suddenly a beggar comes around and pesters Altair*
Altair: Um…go away…
Beggar: No, you don’t understand! I have nothing!
Altair: Kay
*Altair then climbs up on the house and goes up*
Beggar: SON OF A BITCH! *grabs a rock and throws it at Altair*
*Altair loses his grip and falls and dies*
Beggar: …Oh shit…*looks around*…*bends down and steals from him* Not like you’ll need it anymore
*Suddenly Altair comes from behind and assassinates the beggar*
Altair: I don’t care if I do break the Creed, it was fucking worth it.
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Memory Block – 02
*Scene shows Vidic talking to Desmond in his room*
Vidic: …yes and also a book said that the world was created in seven days…I believe it was a best seller.
*Scene cuts to Al Mualim with Altair in the Garden of Eden holding the Piece of Eden*
Al: It was all a lie, water never turns to wine, the red sea did not part, it was all illusions created by this.
*Scene cuts to GLX [MG1], Nick [FG1], and Edge [FG1] looking at the T.V screen with GLX holding a 360 controller*
GLX: …Did…Did they just diss the Christian religion in this game
Nick: Yea but they gave the notice it was all fiction making it alright
GLX: Yea…and so did the Da Vinci Code, and looked what happened there
Edge: …Ubisoft is so fucked
GLX: Edge…for once you’re right!
Edge: Sweet
Nick: Still what’s the worse the Christian religion can do?
*Scene shows a fleet of buses full of nuns heading to Montreal’s Ubisoft office*
Nun #241: GET’EM! IN THE NAME OF GOD!
Nun #69: BREAK THEIR LEGS!
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Memory Block – 03
*Scene shows Altair walking in the streets then is pushed by a man on the streets who looks unstable*
Altair: What the hell? Hey, who are you
Man: GRAAAAAHHH *pops his cheeks*
Altair: …So are you a re-
Man: *pops in* That’s right he’s a troublemaker!
Altair: A troublemaker?
Man: Yes…
Altair: Oh, because I thought he was a re-
Man: Look do you want our company to be even deeper in shit with human resources!?
Altair: What? No, no, n-Wait…company?
Man: Nevermind…I’ve spoken too much outside the fourth wall *leaves*
Altair: Who the fuck would not say this guy is a reta-
*Suddenly a Templar stabs Altair in the back killing him*
Templar: TROUBLEMAKER!! *smiles insanely*
*Scene cuts to GLX and Edge*
Edge: *reading the book* Apparently they’re called troublemakers in the game
GLX: …You call’em troublemakers…I call them short bus riders!
*Suddenly an anvil falls on GLX’s head crushing him*
GLX: …ow
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Memory Block – 04
*Scene shows Damascus where a bunch of guards have been assassinated in a group. A lone guard comes in and sees the carnage along with Cosmos [Dressed as a guard]*
Guard: Who the hell did this?
*Scene shows Altair blending with a group of scholars covered in blood*
Cosmos: Uh…what about the one Assassin that’s trying to poorly blend with the scholars?
Guard: What…come on, they are scholars, why would they attack?
Cosmos: …Um…Okay, then how come that assassin is armed more than you guys and covered in blood?
Guard: He is doing God’s work!
Cosmos: …*looks up* GLX…seriously, was everyone this stupid in the 13th century?
GLX’s Voice: Pretty much kiddo
Cosmos: *facepalms* I don’t know what’s worse, this or the internet
GLX’s Voice: 4Chan
Cosmos: …Right, answer figured out.
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Memory Block – 05
*Scene shows Altair facing off against a Templar in Arce*
Templar: Assassin! Kill him! Kill the A-
Altair: Muda-da
Templar: …*blinks in confusion at Altair*
Altair: *begins punching him to hell while screaming Muda over and over*…*stops and raises hands* ZA WARUDO!
*The templar is frozen in mid air as Altair and him stand within the Animus loading area*
Altair: *grins evilly at the templar* Tokio o Tomare! *begins to throw knives at the templar that freeze right in front of him, then turns away grinning* You’re dead
*Reality comes back to normal and the templar is stabbed with a barrage of knives all at once, as he falls to the floor*
Templar: Ow th-
Altair: *crashes down on the templar with a white horse* WRRRRRYYYYYYYYY!!!!
*Scene cuts outside the Animus with Vidic and Lucy*
Vidic: …D-Did…Did Altair just pull a Dio?
Lucy: Seems that someone tampered with the Animus and combined it with an Anime and an Internet Meme…
Vidic: How the fuck did someone hack the Animus?
Lucy: Whoever they were they either did it by fluke or was a super genius!
*Scene cuts to Red [WG1] behind a black screen*
Red: Well, I wouldn’t go as far as SUPER Genius…
*Moment of silence*
Red: Actually, yes I would
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Memory Block – 06
*Scene shows Altair in one of the towers looking on*
Altair: Well…I seem to have got this view point…time to fly!
*Altair jumps off aiming for a conveniently placed cart of hay*
Altair: *thinking* Huh…I wonder why nobody moves those stacks of hay…
*Suddenly the hay cart moves from underneath*
Altair: …FUUUUUUUUUUUCC- *slams into the pavement hard* Ow
*In front of the cart Edge pops up to look back*
Edge: Oooo…that had to hurt.
*Moment of silence*
Edge: …*teabags Altair*…*stops and looks at the audience* Don’t judge me, Halo players do it all the time!
Iota [FG1]: *pops in* Yea, but some of them are gay
Edge: Ah go fuck your own ass
Iota: Says the one who’s putting his nuts in another guy’s mouth.
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Memory Block – 07
*Scene shows Altair saving a female citizen from Acre.*
Citizen: Thank you I shall tell my brothers of your sacrifice
Altair: Kay
*Suddenly a bunch of burly men surround the area*
Man: So I heard you need help…don’t worry…
*The men take off their shirts*
Man: We’ll take care of things!
Altair: …Um…why are you shirtless?
Man: …We scare them with our hairy chests…THAT’S WHY!
Altair: …I’m just gonna…*runs away in fear*
Man: …*looks down sadly* No one can ever love me *sniff*
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Memory Block – 08
*Scene shows Sibrand in Acre’s port putting fear to a scholar and threatening him. Altair is in the crowd watching*
Sibrand: YOU ARE AN ASSASSIN! YOU DRESS LIKE THEM! THEREFORE YOU ARE!
Scholar: Please…I have no weapons to kill you with. I’m innocent
Sibrand: Bah, then who else could be the assassin then?
Altair: *silently* Heh, heh, heh
*Suddenly a blade stabs Altair right through the chest killing him. Altair falls and Cosmos stands there pissed*
Cosmos: The price is wrong, BITCH!
*Moment of silence*
Sibrand: ASSASSIN! *points to Cosmos*
Cosmos: YOU GO DIE!
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Memory Block – 09
*Scene shows Desmond in his room looking at the writing on the wall with his newly acquired Eagle Vision*
Desmond: Whoa…what is this…what does this all mean?
*Scene zooms in on the picture in the middle then the scene goes to the credits. Scene cuts to Nick and GLX playing the game*
Nick: Wait…Wait…that’s how it ends!?
GLX: Apparently they took the Sopranos version of an ending…
Nick: You mean how they just end it in mid sentence?
*Moment of silence*
Nick: Huh…for a second there I thought you were gonna e-
*Scene cuts to black*
- END -